Friday, July 23, 2004
Mama kata "Belajar rajin-rajin, biar senang bila besar nanti"
Let me excuse myself and tell this in my own mother tongue...Masa kecik-kecik dulu...mama selalu paksa aku belajar...heh...heh...mama kata kena belajar sampai universiti...dapat kerja bagus-bagus...supaya hidup pun senang...
Kadang-kadang aku tipu mama...dalam bilik aku kadang-kadang berangan...kadang-kadang belajar main-main...kadang-kadang memang tak belajar...tapi mama tak pernah jemu...sampai umur aku 17 tahun pun dia ulang-ulang benda yang sama...sampai aku pun hafal dialog tu...masuk universiti pun dia dok ulang lagi...
Mama kata lagi kalau nanti aku dah ada kerja bagus...dia dapat tumpang gembira...dan dia tak payah risau untuk aku uruskan hidup aku sebab aku boleh berdiri sendiri cari sesuap nasi untuk perut aku sendiri sekurang-kurangnya...mama tak harap yang lain...
Masa kecik-kecik aku macam kurang percaya cakap mama, aku percaya rezeki orang mana kita tahu, tak belajar rajin-rajin boleh juga senang...aku belajar juga tapi atas motivasi semua kakak-kakak dengan abang aku pergi merantau negara orang...jadi aku pun nak juga merasa (kiranya motivasi lebih sebab nak pergi jalan negara orang)...caranya macam mama cakap...belajar rajin-rajin
Bila dah besar...dah ada kerja sendiri...harapan mama nak tengok anak dia yang sorang ni berdikari tanpa mengharap dari orang termakbul...biar pun tak lah semewah mana...tapi dengan tulang empat kerat ni dapat aku sediakan keperluan asas aku sebagai seorang manusia...alhamdulliah...
Ada seorang kawan...yang sekian lama menghilangkan diri...tiba-tiba menelefon dan mencurahkan perasaannya...bukan apa...bila terkenang betapa jerih perih setiap hari dia mencari rezeki...tinggalkan isteri saban hari kerana terpaksa bekerja lebih masa hingga lewat malam kekadang bermalam terus di tempat kerja...semuanya semata-mata untuk menanggung keperluan asas mereka berkeluarga...itu pun kadang kala masih tidak mencukupi...lantas entah sedar atau tidak terluah dari mulutnya..."itulah dulu mak aku suruh belajar...aku malas...sekarang baru terasa."...kesal sungguh bunyinya.
Dipanjangkan lagi ceritanya...kadang kala apabila sampai hujung bulan...MC memanjang...nak pergi kerja terpaksa bayar tol dan minyak juga perlu diisi...kalau pergi kerja nanti tak sampai hujung bulan duit pun habis...maka terpaksa la duduk di rumah...
Lantas saja untuk menghilangkan kerunsingannya...aku mengusik
"Tapi kau nampak sihat, perut pun semakin jauh ke depan...mesti bini kau jaga makan dan pakai kau dengan baik"
Dia mengeluh dan kemudian tersenyum sinis. Jawabnya...
"Beras pun takde kat rumah...nak masak apa...yang banyak pun mee segera pelbagai perisa"
Tanpa diminta dia bercerita lagi...Kadang-kadang tol dilanggar saja bila pergi kerja...nak jimat katanya...terpaksalah...makan juga terpaksa berkira...kalau pagi sudah bersarapan...maka tengahari tidur saja lah...malam nanti baru makan lagi...tu pun sekadar maggi...atau kalau sudah bosan mungkin burger atau nasi lemak...
Mujurlah ada bos yang baik hati...kekadang diajak makan bersama dan makanannya dibayarkan...tapi kadang-kadang terpaksa juga membuat alasan...segan kalau hari-hari terpaksa dibelanja..
Insaf seketika...kerana rupa-rupanya memang betul cakap mama...selama ini...
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Life is like a box of chocolate...you don't know what you will get....
Last Sunday...I mat a friend...an old friend of mine...It has been nearly two years...I think...that we really ignore each other and make ourself busy with what's not...
When I said ignore each other doesn't mean that...we had a fight or anything nasty...but it simply means that we just let the friendship rot...and couldn't careless to refresh it...but I had to admit that she is a very good friend...only that we had to go on our seperate ways because she was an architecture student and I was a quantity surveying student...so basically our schedule just doesn't click...and it carry on till now...
"Lina..." and as I turned there she was...She is so thin an pale...
"Nik..." I'm quite shocked...but feel kinda weird...of all the places...we mat in Lake Garden...
We exchange our hello...in a girlish gesture...There is so many things to catch up...my gawd!!!!
We catched up with all the juiciest gossip...and my favourite topic...
Me: So how is M**e? -(M**e is Nik's bf)
Nik: Emm...he's ok I guess
Nik: So you are still with *****?
Me: Nope...he just get married last month.
Nik: Really...with who?...that girl huh?
Me: Nope...not that girl...it is somebody from his workplace
Nik: So now you are with who?
Me: He..he...my schoolmate
Nik: So he's working huh?
Me: Yup...with MISC in a ship(faraway)
Me: Mike?
Nik: He's going offshore soon
Me: And isn't that wonderful? That's mean money..hah!hah!hah!
Nik: NOPE...I dunno...It just that...(silence)
Me: Why you don't wanna him to go right?
Nik: No..not really...he can go...I'm not going to stop him...but I dunno...he is so childish...and don't you think that we are quite old to act like teenager in love...duh?!!!
Me: Hey! are you with somebody else....(Mike is in JB...and he usually will pay Nik a visit on weekends...but not that weekend obviously)
Nik: What do you reckon?
Me: Who?
Nik: Mr. H...
Me: YUCKKSSS!!! Why do you always end up with your friend?
Nik: Hey...they are the one that always come back to me...I'm cool...but he is serious...to be honest I'm tired and really don't wanna think bout relationship...not at the moment...as for M**e...if he really wants me than he should know what to do...
I knew Nik when I was 18...we used to be classmate...and later on we developed a close friendship...There was a time that she wanted to introduced me to her brother so we had really strong bonding...but(THANKS GOD THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN)
I used to envy Nik...because it seems that she must be the luckiest girl...She got a parents and brothers...that I considered cool...and always a boyfriend...that loves her like nobody else...She is bright and that's why she always attract men to her...easy going...hell all I could see is everything is good about her...
But life is full of surprises...I saw her once been tested by God...to the fullest swing...her lovely boyfriend has been sent to meet god before she does...it was examination week...her man had been hit by a lorry...a trailer to be exact...It was unimaginable...I was speechless...the best thing I could do was tried to be there for her...she did cried when she couldn't take no more but above all she was damned strong...because she still sat for the paper...and could came out looking very calmed and composed and got better grade than me...I just don't know how she did it...
Now...she been tested again...although she has finished her study...She is in doubt if she ever wants to be an architect...although that was once her dreams...she is even in doubt about who she really loves and care...
For Nik...I really hope that she is strong enough...to face the challenge...above all I wish her the very best...for a dear friend like her...Good Luck Nik!
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
This friend of mine...is just being unlucky...I guess...
She kept falling in love with a wrong guy...Or maybe there is something wrong with her being in a relationship...I mean "male to female relationship"...because I obviously don't have any problem being her female friend...
A few weeks ago...They seems to be the happiest couple...and I envy them...because...at that time I was mentally not stable...because HIMSELF had not been able to reach me...(not yet to be exact)...and by all means I avoided them...because I just can't bring myself to meet them...
Recently...they were on the verge of splitting up...She sms me...asking me if I could accompanied her for the evening...when I knew they were supposed to meet...
Curious...
I asked
"What happened"...
and my friend said...
"Emm...Mr. Hell couldn't make it "
Little that I knew...the opposite happens...Mr. Hell has been acting the very opposite way...unlike when they first mat...Now he doesn't want to call...He is always having another plan with his pals...I don't know...I can't really judge because I only heard from one side...so basically I can't really judge them but I HAVE MY OWN WORD HERE...if it was me...Instead.
Poor gal...I really don't know what words or advise to dispense to her so that she will feels better...I felt wrong somehow...because I did like promoting her to carry on with the relationship wit Mr. Hell in the first place...I tought that guy could be rely on...trusted...and be a wonderful man...I was wrong...definitely
Because the way he make up for the break up is totally...IRRESPONSIBLE...I do believe that both parties has their own mistakes...that they could resolve if they were to save the relatonship...But Mr. Hell just left her...without any explanation...THAT'S COWARD OKAY!
The latest update that I heard from this galfwen of my is...Mr Hell said...
She doesn't care about him...He was sick and couldn't get up...That's why he can't make it for the date..
I said
* LIAR! my fwen by accident received a sms that he was supposed to sent to his pals asking them about futsal...the evening when they were supposed to go out dating.
* It's just easy to put blame on others...He told my fwen being selfish...sebab asyik nak suruh dia spend masa dgn my fwen kononnya tetiba ada keje urgent...(Tipu sama sekali...sorang dok kl sorang kat melaka...so?)It is just another make for break up technique...the easiest...in fact...
* He doesn't even try to ask for apology that he couldn't make it that day but said..."This is not something I just make up so that I didn'y have to meet you " ..lepas tu sepi tanpa berita...until today...
I think my fwen has the same notion like I did...If they think that the relation should end...Then just say it out loud...Don't just go...like nothing happened...
After all...we are friends...before any of those nonsense...happened...and we will sure to meet again in the future school reunion and stuff...so what's the point of creating hatred...when we could just be honest...to ourself at least...huh?
Sick!!!
Sunday, July 11, 2004
As we approached the restaurant...that we had previously booked...I saw a face that I really don't want to see anymore...for the rest of my life by all means...suddenly I was full of anger and hatred which usually makes me stop talking or smiling...and be so damn quiet...
That girl has an affair with my ex-boyfriend...Although he said it was over but I never believe him...It's all a bunch of lies...BUT I don't know why on earth we were still together...at that time...stupid enough I mean…
I never wanted to look at the girl...who unexpectedly sat at the table in front of us....the face that I hate till now...the face that was so melancholy...provided that if I didn't knew her...but she is a real f**k up b*t** !!!!
Damned!!! as my ex-bf realized the situation...he was trying to calm me down...but sorry...that was unforgiven...he did smile to that b*t**...and later...she called him...I didn't say a word...I felt like going to the table of that a**h***e and pour on her water..suits her well...(nasib baik jer aku puasa...)
But then somebody came to our table it was his sister in-law and his brother and that chubby niece of his..and I had to act like normal...yup...I knew them...we had mat before...and basically it was ok between me and his brother..and sister in-law...and I love that kid..invited them to join us...but nope...the restaurant have no more chairs…too bad huh?
When they left...fortunately that b*t** had left too, most probably when we were busy chatting with the family…Later we mat his brother and family…again and that was when Kak F invited us to their house to break our fast tomorrow…fine with me…
The next day, I had a fight with my boyfriend (then)…It was not rare actually…that we had a fight…We will at least had one fight in a week…and to be honest I can’t really remember what trigger the fight…It must be some silly things…
But we did reconcile later…but that involved me to come to his place and fight so...I went back to my place…(because I thought of not talking to him…for a few days…though he tried to reach me after the fight…but that was only what I thought...then I changed my mind)… So I went back again to his place…and we went to his brother’s place…(because I’m a civilized person…that I knew I’m fighting with him…not his brother or his sister in-law…so I must not turned down the invitation…whatever!!!)
The dinner went out great…I mean ok…not really that great…but everything was fine…there was an awkward moments of course…while…I was in the kitchen helping out with the dishes…after the dinner…she asked me quite casually…
F : So when are u guys gonna settle down?
Me: Gulp…I think u should asked Mr. Not Quite Right bout that…(While thinking…hmm…I think heot other plan…that will not include me)
F : Come on you guys had been friends since the last few years…and she started to blabber out about his husband and his ex and exes…if any…
I just smile…I certainly can’t just blurt it out that
“Hey..he was the one who is so *uc* *p!!”
Anyway that was…6 months ago…I broke up with him on new year…my new resolution…ironically…I do feel sad…but I’m calmer…because I don’t have to fight every week…and be emotionally drained out…
The most important point of my story is...believe me... last month…he did get married…to that b***h…but there was no invitation cards…no honey moon…no pretty dresses…nothing special…on that once in a lifetime event…And I was thankful that it was not me…pheww!!!
That makes me remember in one of those Ally Mc Beal series…Robert Downey Jr. as Ally’s doctor said...this… I quote
“When it comes to love, there are three things to be considered ;
i)Are you comfortable with he idea of raising kids and having a family with him
ii)Are you attracted to him physically and sexually?
iii)Are you comfortable sharing your life, the movie you just watched, novel you just read, gossip about your friends etc with him?
If the answer is yes… he is the one”
So where do we really stand in a relationship?
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
At last...HIMSELF called me...last Friday...yea!yae!
To add up to the phone calls are two more love letters and two more postcards that I received from Hamburg,Germany yesterday...We talked for quite a long time...
On top of that...he callled me again today late in the evening as he did some shopping...in Rotterdam...He called me in the office... and later we continued...talking while I went out to SS14...window shopping...Tonight I could sleep and smile...hah..hah
It was a released...I've been so worried bout him...heh...3 weeks without any news...He had been driving me up on the wall...Maybe I miss him too much...I miss him a lot actually...each and every single day...
I just got that to tell...I just wanna be proud because I got a man that I can be proud of...and I am grateful that god has created something beautiful called LOVE for all us to cherish our life...
Hmm...I really love this song by Kylie Minogue & Jason Donavan...and this is especially for u sayang...!! hu..hu..
"Especially for you
I wanna let you know what I was going through
All the time we were apart
I thought of you
You were in my heart
My love never changed
I still feel the same
Especially for you
I wanna tell you I was feeling that way too
And if dreams were wings, you know
I would have flown to you
To be where you are
No matter how far
And now that I'm next to you
No more dreaming about tomorrow
Forget the loneliness and the sorrow
I've got to say
It's all because of you
[CHORUS:]
And now we're back together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you
Especially for you
I wanna tell you, you mean all the world to me
How I'm certain that our love was meant to be
You changed my life
You showed me the way
And now that I'm next to you
I've waited long enough to find you
I wanna put all the hurt behind you
Oh,
And I wanna bring out all the love inside you,
Oh
[CHORUS:]
You were in my heart
My love never changed
No more dreaming about tomorrow
Forget the loneliness and the sorrow
I've got to say
It's all because of you"
~ Life is B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L ~
Friday, July 02, 2004
*********************************
But I have one thing for sure...LALA is simply sarcastic...and I really hate him...hate him..hate him...
and I was like gonna say..
"Hey...******* I never bothered about you...so please get out of my business..."
And I don't give a damned if he stop talking to me...even for the rest of the year...The problem with this guy is...he has small brain that he could not think...properly and act more like a child...he can pick on any people...but when people start on him...he just could not accept it...no wonder Linda despise him so much...
Selagi aku tak menyusahkan hidup kau...buleh tak jangan nak menyebok pasal aku....kalau aku kelam kabut pun aku tak menyusahkan kau...kalau aku tak jogging aku jadik gemok pun aku tak menyusahkan kau...so buzz off you moroon!!!! Some people just havin' fun makin fun of others...sick!!!!
***********************************
As I walked out of the meeting room... I felt so emmm..what is the exact terms?!!...light... as if all the burden had been lifted up...for the moment..Thanks god...that it works what ever they are doing to make sure that the budget would not burst...At least I could stop thinking bout it for the time being...
I was basically happy...until I came to the office and heard the moroon...Yucksss!!! How could I let a morron like him upset me...no way..!!!
Oh..yeah! I got new roomate and housemate too..Eja had move out...and
Elly took over her place...another housemate is Kima...everyone looks fine at the moment...and I hope it will stay the way it is...Kima is helpful and used to have lotsa foods...and will force us to eat...heh!
Life is dull...I go to work...get home...change and take my bath...then I come to the office again...It bores me but...I don't have any interesting plan either...hmmm...
No news from HIMSELF...not a letter...not a phone call...the last time he went away...It took three weeks before I heard again from him...So now it has been two weeks...another one left and I hope I will hear again from him soon...I miss him like HELL!!!!
Right I gotto go...I got work to do...OK!
***********************************
This got nothing to do to me...but as I listen it really sick what love could do to people...turn them blind...or even pretending to be blind...I dunno...Go figure...
[P. Diddy - talking]
Hold up, let me answer my phone
Some bitch callin me about some bullshit probably
I'ma call you right back
I'm doin this mixtape right here
Now back to what I was sayin
[Verse 1 - Mario Winans]
Somebody said they saw you
The person you were kissing wasn't me
And I would never ask you
I just kept it to myself
[Chorus - Mario Winans]
I don't wanna know
If your playin me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
[Verse 2 - Mario Winans]
Oh baby
I think about it when I hold you
When lookin in your eyes, I can't believe
I don't mean to know the truth
Baby keep it to yourself
[Chorus - Mario Winans]
I don't wanna know
If your playin me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
[Break - Mario Winans]
Baby taught you better then me (taught you better then me)
Then why you fall asleep (why you fall asleep)
Shove 'em off and stay, what you used to do to me (do to me baby)
If your better off that way (better off that way)
Baby what I like to say (all that I can say)
Go on and do your thing and don't come back to me
(Stay away from me baby)
[Verse 3 - P. Diddy]
I don't wanna know where your whereabouts or how you movin
I know when you in the house or when you cruisin
It's been proven, my love you abusin
I can't understand, how a man got you choosin (yeah)
Undecided, I came and provided ma
My undivided, you came and denied it (why?)
Don't even try it, I know when you lyin (I know when you lyin)
Don't even do that, I know why you cryin (stop cryin)
I'm not applyin no pressure, just wanna let you know
That I don't wanna let you go (I don't wanna let you go)
And I don't wanna let you leave
Can't say I didn't let you
Gave you extra cheese (c'mon),breathe put you in the SUV
You wanted ice so I made you freeze
Made you hot like the Western Beach (that's right)
Now it's time you invest in me
Cause if not then it's best you leave
Holla, yeah
[Chorus - Mario Winans]
I don't wanna know
If your playin me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
If your playin me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
If your playin me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know...
